Friday, July 31, 2009

How to pick Presidential Candidates

Look, I don't claim to have all the answers, just the right ones.

So I was getting all angried up and ready to post a 3000-word spew about why the shit with National Guard service ("service," being the contested word here) matters, but then I bailed.

I think the election system is shit. I don't think it's the influence of special interests, or the retarded electoral process, or the immeasurably huge psychological warfare campaign being waged over tv, print, radio, and in meatspace by the various candidacies that makes elections so shitty...or maybe I think it's all those things. I think we can all agree that the process has gone on too long the way it has, and it's time for a change.

So what are we going to do? First I thought that guitar solos were the way to go. Just have every candidate get up on stage at the Kennedy Center or something, and have them totally whale up there. In competition, against each other, for the presidency. Citizens watch each solo, and just vote for the winner.

That doesn't really work though. First of all, I couldn't think of a fair way to determine the order in which the candidates would rock; for example, it's much harder to follow President Obama than it is to follow President Bush. Plus you run into the same political problems as know, because people from Boston rawk quite differently from the way in which people rawk in South Carolina and blah blah blah.

But then it hit me -- there is one contest, one competition, one trial for which all human beings have a level playing field. This is a competition far more pure and democratic than any other in the universe. This is how we should decide our next president:

The Three Fribble Challenge.

The concept is simple: it is impossible to drink three entire Fribbles from Friendly's without throwing up. You can pick whatever flavors you like, it makes no difference -- every last drop of Friendly's restaurant Fribbles contains like 80% delicious, delicious milkfat, and in the end, that always wins. I don't care how tough you are, or how much you can eat, or whatever -- any physicist will tell you, when man and Three Fribble Challenge collide, only Three Fribble Challenge remains.

Both the severity and 100% certainty of failure are strong disincentives which will likely deter too many would-be candidates from joining the race. Believe me when I say that failure carries a steep, humiliating, and enduring penalty.

But maybe, just maybe, there is a man or a woman out there in America who can do it. Maybe they have the strength, the resolve, the moral character to drink three entire Fribble shakes without throwing up, and also to run the country. The Democratic nominee is pretty obvious, the guy who played Ogre in "Revenge of the Nerds." I'm not sure about the Republicans, maybe Tucker Carlson? Whatever. Anyway, it's brilliant. Tell your friends.